


The Last To Know

by SvechBaby37



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst and Tragedy, Angst with a Happy Ending, Buck and Sunshine are Synonyms, Child Death, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Not Christopher, Original Character Death(s), Protective Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), So much angst, Soft Eddie Diaz, fluffy too, hurt Evan “Buck” Buckley, not all sad
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-27
Updated: 2020-12-02
Packaged: 2021-03-08 23:00:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 14,603
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27234640
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SvechBaby37/pseuds/SvechBaby37
Summary: It had been four years since Buck last saw Abby. Never in a million years would he have guessed that a solo rock climbing trip would turn his life upside down. Because when he saw Abby again she wasn’t alone. She was with her son.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Abby Clark, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Eddie Diaz, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz, Past Evan “Buck” Buckley/Abby Clark
Comments: 31
Kudos: 163





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> After years of reading and enjoying all the wonderful authors on this site, I finally decided to join the melee of the 9-1-1 fandom. This is my very first fan fiction and I hope you enjoy it as much as I enjoyed writing it.
> 
> In this fic, it pretty much follows the show up until the last episode. The whole train fiasco never happened in this story. 
> 
> Disclaimer: I know nothing about rock climbing. Or first aid. Enter at your own risk.

Buck knew he should wait for the rescue crew but there wasn’t that kind of time. Bobby’s voice in his head screamed at him to wait, to analyze before reacting, to run through a dozen other options. But his boss wasn’t on site. Buck was the only one here capable of making the call. Whether it was wrong or right. He could do this. He was a firefighter and rescued people every day. Except this time it involved someone he knew. Buck turned his brain away from that direction of thoughts to concentrate on the task at hand.

Bracing his legs against the edge of the railing, he clipped the carabiner to the line and yanked hard to test the hold. It felt secure. He prayed it was because he was going down the ravine one way or another. The little boy lying at the bottom counted on him to do it safely. His eyes darted to the still figure below. He needed to hurry.

Buck climbed over the metal railing and settled into a rapelling stance. He glanced at the woman kneeling at the edge. She stared down at her son, tears streaming down her face.

“Abby.”

The only response he got from her was a sob.

“Abby!”

Tear-filled blue eyes flickered to his.

“I’m going to bring him back, okay?”

She nodded. More tears broke free but were quickly replaced. Another sob tore out of her. He needed to distract her mind as much as he could from the horror show playing out down below. Buck shifted his weight and reached over to grab her hand. It had been over four years since she left him. He’d gotten over her years ago, but he hadn’t seen her since. A small spark of familiarity shot up his hand at the contact. He pushed it aside.

“Abby, hey. I need you to dry your eyes, okay? It’s gonna be okay, but I need for you to focus on me for a second.”

If circumstances weren’t so dire he’d laugh because she had never really been focused on him when they were together so why should she now.

She took back her hand and wiped her face. “Okay.”

Abby sniffed and took a deep breath.

“You’re doing good, Ab.” He winced inside at the automatic use of his nickname for her but hid it with a smile, hoping to reassure her. She was a wreck and rightfully so. Her baby boy hadn’t moved since Buck arrived five minutes ago.

“I’m going to rappel down to Joey and I need you to watch the line.” He pointed to where the dark green rope went over the rough edge of the rocky overlook.

Abby didn’t seem to hear him and he briefly wondered if this was going to work. It had to because there was nobody else around to help. Buck had sent the man that was with Abby, a boyfriend or husband he didn’t know, to find cell service and call 9-1-1.

She started to glance down again but Buck grabbed her attention. “Right here, Abby!”

“What?” Her voice sounded confused, almost as if she was trying to be anywhere else but here. Buck understood. This was every parents’ worse nightmare come true, but hysterics weren’t going to help her son.

“I need you to help me help Joey.”

She nodded. “Okay.”

He wasn’t so sure she understood.

“It’s important, Abby.”

He must have gotten through this time because she swiped at her face one last time, took a deep breath and squared her shoulders. “What do I need to do?”

“I need you to watch this line. It’s going to fray from my weight and the movement against the edge of the rock. A little bit is fine, but if it gets halfway through the rope you need to yell down and let me know.”

Her eyes widened. “This doesn’t sound safe.”

He had his own apprehensions about this plan. Getting down should be fine. It was the return trip back up with an injured child that would be tricky. Hopefully rescue would be here before then. But Abby didn’t need to know his concerns.

“It will be fine. The rope is thick enough that even if it frays halfway, we will still be able to climb back up.”

Buck repositioned himself and leaned his weight back into the familiar rappelling stance.

“Please bring my baby back.”

He nodded once and began his decent. He’d rappelled hundreds of times before and could do it in his sleep, so his mind wondered to his past with Abby and a million questions that remained unanswered when she just left and never returned.

_Why didn’t you come back? What did I do wrong? Wasn’t I enough? Why didn’t you love me as much as I loved you?_

The sting of sweat dripping into his eyes stopped his brain from spiraling back into that place it took him a year to climb out of. Buck wiped his face on his shoulder and he continued his decent.

This was not how he saw his day going. It was supposed to be an unwind-while-hanging-off-a-cliff kind of day. His friends were supposed to join him but flaked out at the last minute. Eddie was helping out Fire Station 145 who was down a man because of illness. Chim was with Maddie picking out nursery furniture and Hen laughed when Buck suggested they go rock climbing.

“Buckaroo, the only climbing I’m going to do is into my bed.” She had been heads-down, knee-deep into the MCATs and trying to help with the kids and dinner and the house maintenance and being there for her wife. When her days off fell on a school day, she took advantage of a quiet house and slept.

So, Buck had prepared to go it alone. Which wasn’t all that bad. It would give him an opportunity to push himself and test his limits. It’d been a while since he’d done some serious solo climbing and he was excited. Until he’d rounded the trailhead and saw Abby. The woman who took his heart with her when she left for Europe and never thought to return it.

“Buck!”

He immediately paused his decent and looked up. Abby leaned out over the ledge, her single red ponytail dangling beside her face.

“It’s starting to tear.”

Buck was far enough away that he couldn’t see the tears, but he heard them in her voice.

“It’s okay, Abby. That’s going to happen. Remember, we talked about that?”

She nodded.

Buck took this opportunity to look down to gauge the distance. “I’m almost down to Joey. When I get to him I want you to tell me how the rope is doing, okay?”

“O – okay.”

“You’re doing great, Abby. It’s gonna be alright.”

Abby nodded again as Buck started down the last dozen feet. The face of the cliff wasn’t smooth or straight, not ideal for the type of rappelling he’d prepared for. Buck hit the outcrops of rocks and boulders on the way down. He ignored the sting of the scrapes and mentally prepared himself for what he’d find when he reached the little boy.

As a firefighter, he’d had plenty of experiences dealing with injuries, even deaths. But the ones with kids always hit Buck the hardest. Every child rescue made him think about Eddie’s son Christopher and what he'd do if this was him. Buck’s stomach knotted when he thought about the tsunami and how scared he was when Christopher went missing during the middle of it all. That boy was sunshine in nine year old body and Buck would die to protect him.

His boots finally touched solid ground and he looked up at Abby. She looked even more distraught.

“Is he okay?”

Buck needed Abby to check the rope before he gave her any sort of news, especially if it was bad. If they had to climb out of here, he had to know the condition of the line. “I’m going to check him now, but you need to tell me how the rope looks.” Buck unclipped himself from the green line.

“It’s about a fourth of the way through.”

Not ideal, but not catastrophic.

“I’ve unclipped myself, so I need you to turn the rope over so the undamaged side rests against the rock, okay?”

He didn’t watch her do it, trusting her enough so that he could turn his attention to Joey, who lay face down on the hard earth.

“Joey?” Buck called out.

The boy’s right leg was obviously broken. Buck pressed two fingers to the pulse point in his neck. A faint but steady heartbeat thrummed underneath them. He leaned down to peer at the small face turned to the side. Dark blonde curls covered his eyes. Carefully pushing them out of the way, Buck observed the boy. Joey was still unconscious. Faint puffs of air moved the dirt in front of his mouth. If he was breathing that heavy, that meant he was having trouble getting enough air.

“Joey, my name is Buck and I’m a fireman. I’m here to help you, alright?” The boy didn’t respond. Buck didn’t think he would but he always liked to introduce himself to unconscious victims as if they were awake because he never knew what got through.

Buck ran his hands over the boy’s neck, down his spine and across his ribs. Nothing felt broken except for a little give in the ribcage. His hips seemed stable and his left leg looked good. The right leg however. It was a mess. It reminded Buck of his own leg injury he sustained during an explosion and he felt for the kid.

“How is he, Buck?”

“His vitals are good.” He moved to the other side, wanting to see the backside of his head where it rested against the ground. “Broken right leg, possible rib damage. But his neck and spine seem fine.”

He wasn’t a certified paramedic like Hen and Chimney, but he basic first aid training and plenty of on the job training. Aside from those injuries and the fact that he was not waking up, Joey was in remarkable shape considering the distance of the fall.

Buck dug out the first aid kit from his backpack. Eddie insisted he climb with one because, well, things tended to happen to him. He wouldn’t say he’s accident prone, but he’s an active guy and accidents happen. Bobby said his medical insurance premiums were higher than normal and Buck had yet to verify if he was teasing or not. Needless to say, Buck had a first aid kit wherever he went.

While the boy was unconscious, Buck carefully rolled him onto his back, hoping to take pressure off the ribs and make breathing easier. It also put him in a better position for Buck to splint the leg.

“Is he awake?”

Joey hadn’t stirred through what Buck knew was a painful process of setting and splinting broken bones. He rubbed the small sternum. “Hey Joey. Can you hear me?”

Buck lifted one tiny eyelid to check for brain injury and startled at the ocean blue eye so much like his own. He pushed aside the bubbling panic. _Lots of people have blue eyes, right?_

Abby had over four years to tell him. She would have told him.

He lifted the other lid. Same blue. Same pupillary response. No significant brain trauma as far as he could see. Buck closed his eyes and allowed the moment to wash over him.

Abby was back.

She had a son.

With blue eyes just like Buck’s.

_She would have told me._

Sirens blared in the distance, so Buck focused on triaging the little boy.

 _What if he’s your little boy?_ Buck’s heartbeat thudded in his chest.

Joey’s breathing seemed easier but he still was unconscious. As he bandaged the cut on his elbow and the abrasions on his cheek, Buck studied the boys facial features. At such a young age it was hard to determine if his nose sloped like Buck’s. He couldn’t see if there was a flared upturn at the end underneath the typical toddler cute-as-a-button nose. The high cheekbones so characteristic in Buckley men were still padded with baby fat.

“Buck! Rescue is on their way. I see them.” Abby sounded less panicked and more relieved up top, while down in the ravine Buck’s breathing grew heavy and his mind swirled with questions.

He snagged his water bottle from his climbing belt and took a sip. He poured a little into the palm of his hand and rubbed it across Joey’s forehead, hoping the cool liquid would elicit a response. Nothing was rousing the boy and Buck’s concern grew. There was nothing more he could do but wait. The rescue team would be here soon.

He shifted from his kneeling position to sit on his butt to ease the throbbing in his leg. It had been a couple years since the accident that almost cost him a leg and a career. It healed well but still gave him trouble if he kneeled too long. When he stretched it out in front of him, sitting beside Joey, he noticed the blood covering the front of both his legs. His eyes raked over Joey but didn’t see any wound that would be the cause of so much blood. He grabbed more gauze from his kit and ran it over his leg, hissing when he found the laceration below his knee. Buck cursed his luck and the blood thinners he still took as he pressed the gauze into the wound. It was quickly saturated. After using all the supplies in his kit, he took off his t-shirt and wrapped it around his leg.

“What’s wrong?” Abby called down from the ledge.

 _Oh, well. Let me tell you all the things that are so very wrong about this situation right now._ But she wasn’t asking Buck about that.

“Joey’s fine. Still unconscious but breathing easier now. I just cut my leg a little on the way down.”

“Paramedics are coming up the hill now. One more minute.”

Buck looked at the little boy laying beside him. He was so still it scared Buck. He took Joey’s small hand in his.

_Are you my son?_

“Joey, you’re gonna be okay. And I need for you to open your eyes. You need to wake up.” Buck waited for a beat. “I know you might be scared. I’ve been in all sorts of accidents so I know how scary they are. But you have me here to help you and your mom is waiting for you at the top.”

He ran his fingers over Joey’s wrist, stopping to feel the strong pulse.

“You know, your mom once saved my life.” Buck smiled wistfully at the memory. “She did. And if you wake up, I’ll tell you how.”

The only thing that moved was the rise and fall of Joey’s chest. Buck leaned closer. “If you can hear me, can you squeeze my finger?”

Buck held his breath as he waited but Joey’s hand remained limp in his. “That’s okay, little guy. I’ll just sit right here beside you and hold you hand while we wait for more help. I’m not gonna leave you.”

He heard more voices up on the trail above him.

“Buck, they’re here,” Abby called down.

“Buck? Evan Buckley? Are you fucking kidding me?” Buck heard Eddie’s voice seconds before he appeared leaning over the ledge.

“Eddie? What are you doing here?” Buck looked up at his best friend who was supposed to be helping out Firehouse 145. Oh.

“Yeah, oh.” Eddie clipped on his helmet. “What’ve we got?”

Buck relayed what little medical information he could give on Joey. “But he’s still unresponsive.”

“Okay. I’m going to come down with a basket.” He paused. “Where’s all that blood coming from, Buck?”

Buck frowned as he looked down at his leg. Blood soaked through the t-shirt and began dripping onto the rocky ground. There was a lot of it and as a first responder he should be alarmed at the amount. But Buck could only stare at the ribbons of red that flowed over the rock and dirt. Fascinated at the way it caught the light from the blazing sun overhead.

He startled at the firm hand on his shoulder. He looked up. Eddie’s brown eyes stared back. “Buck? You with me?”

He was nodding even before his brain comprehended the question. “Yeah, oh but Joey. You have to help Joey.”

“Kevin from the 145 has got him. I’ve got you.”

Buck shook his head. “No, I’m fine. Joey won’t wake up.”

Kevin had already snapped on the small c-spine collar, making Joey appear even younger and more fragile.

“I couldn’t get him to wake up.” Tears threatened.

While Buck watched Kevin’s every move, Eddie applied more bandages over the saturated t-shirt and wrapped the entire bulky dressing with a strong compression bandage.

“Buck, you did good. You got him stabilized and ready for us so we can get him to the hospital faster.”

The basket with Joey rose into the air, guided by Kevin. Buck watched it until the first responders at the top grabbed it and pulled it onto solid ground. Abby’s cries rolled over the ledge and down to Buck, piercing his skin like tiny little darts. He tried to brush them off but they had buried underneath his skin, stinging questions that he couldn’t voice.

Eddie didn’t seem to notice the woman’s distress. As firefighters, they got used to tuning out the emotions at a scene. And that’s all this was to Eddie – a scene, a job. Something to file away before the next call. But this wasn’t any normal victim. Eddie didn’t know that, though. His best friend, who was stuffing all the discarded supplies back into their two bags, had come into his life after the destruction of Abby’s departure. He wasn't aware of the magnitude of what was happening to Buck.

“Eddie?”

“Yeah?” He was now taking off his helmet and putting it on Buck’s head.

“That was Abby.”

Eddie buckled the strap underneath Buck’s chin. “Abby?”

Buck nodded and his head felt like a helium balloon. “It took her almost four and a half years, but she finally came back to LA.”

He heard someone giggle and from the scowl on Eddie’s face, it wasn’t from him. Buck felt like he was having an out of body experience.

“That Abby?”

The adrenaline that had started when he first saw Abby, registered her distress and seen her small son lying so still at the bottom of the ravine left Buck’s system. He leaned his forehead against Eddie’s chest.

“Yeah,” was all he could say.

Somehow Eddie managed to get Buck up and standing on his one good leg. “You know why she came back now?”

Whether it was blood loss or getting ready to voice out-loud what his brain was still trying to process, he gripped Eddie’s shoulders as his partner secured the climbing harness around Buck’s waist. If he said it out-loud hopefully it would make sense.

“Maybe to, uh – to introduce me to my son.”

“What?” Emotions rolled across Eddie’s face, starting with disbelief, anger and settling on bewilderment.

Right, so telling someone hadn’t helped Buck’s confusion. Nothing about the last hour of Buck’s life made any sense.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buck was tired of hospitals and all the unanswered questions but one thing came to light in the middle of a hallway near ICU and it had nothing to do with Abby.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little bit of angst and a whole lot of Eddie fluff. No child death in this chapter, for those of you who may be concerned about that.

Eddie rode with him to the hospital because by the time they'd made it out of the ravine, Buck had withdrawn. It was his MO, his Method of Operation, when personal shit hit the fan. He shut down for quiet reflection in the same way Eddie punched the anger out of his system.

Buck heard Eddie tell the paramedics he was taking blood thinners. He described the surgeries and blood clots to the admitting nurse. He rubbed Buck's shoulder while standing on one side of the gurney and gently explained to the concerned doctor flanking Buck's left why he wasn’t talking. Buck didn't care who knew when Eddie asked him if he could share what happened. It didn't feel real anyway. Maybe this was all just another horrible nightmare.

He needed to find Abby, to check on Joey, to ask her all the questions that clogged his throat.

Eddie stood at the end of the bed, talking quietly on the phone. From the soft smile on his face, it was Christopher at the other end of the call. His son was the only person who put that kind of smile on Eddie's face.

Tears filled Buck’s eyes. He'd always envied the father son relationship the two of them shared. And now, what if he'd missed out on that? What if he had a son somewhere in this hospital waking up from a terrible accident and was scared? What if the little boy that might be his son was asking for that stranger named Buck that helped him? What if he really did want to hear the story of his mom saving a real live fireman?

The what-ifs piled on top of the questions stuck in his throat, making it impossible to breathe.

He pushed back the blankets covering his lower half.

"Where are you going, Buck?" Eddie was pushing the phone into his pocket and reaching for him at the same time. Worry replaced the soft smile and Buck was disappointed in himself for doing that to his best friend. Again. But right now his need to get out of bed and check on Joey far outweighed Eddie’s feelings.

The IVs in his arm, the stitches in his leg, and some pain medication coursing through his veins hindered Buck's progress. He frowned at Eddie as if it was his fault he couldn't get out of bed.

"What do you need?" Eddie rubbed the nape of Buck's neck while pulling the blankets back over his bare legs. "Talk to me, Buck. Whatever you need."

A part of him needed Eddie to continue touching him, to tether him to this spot.

Buck had always been a big believer in the healing power of touch. He’d read somewhere that during World War II, scientists observed two groups of orphaned babies. Both groups received food, were cleaned and given a safe environment. But one group of babies was cuddled, talked to, lavished with attention while the other was not. The ignored babies lost weight and became sick while the other babies thrived and grew. Touching released endorphins in the brain that lowered stress and promoted relaxation. And Buck craved touch, maybe because he didn't have much of it growing up. Hen and Chim teased him about being handsy and Bobby never failed to pull him into a hug after a particularly stressful call. Everyone knew it was just Buck's style.

When Eddie joined the team, it took him a while to come around. Eddie was definitely more reserved, both with his feelings and physical affection. But he soon realized the quickest way to calm down an excitable Buck was physical contact. And Eddie's touch affected him more than anyone else's. Buck couldn't explain why, but he felt safer when Eddie gave him physical support. The contact from his best friend made him feel brave. Which was good because Buck needed to do something that scared the shit out of him and that was to confront Abby.

He deserved to know the truth.

Buck pointed to an empty wheelchair that sat just beyond the curtain partition surrounding his bed. "I need that," he whispered.

Eddie turned his head to follow Buck's gaze. His thumb stopped caressing and his grip tightened ever so slightly against Buck’s collarbone. "Why?"

"I need to find Joey."

"He's still in surgery." 

Buck frowned.

"I knew you'd want to know. The OR charge nurse knows I'm with the team that brought him in so she told me that much. But Buck, that's all she's gonna tell me."

He nodded. He understood hospital privacy laws. "Did you see Abby?"

"No." Eddie leaned against the side of the bed and Buck scooched over so he could sit, Eddie's hip resting against his thigh. "She's probably in an OR waiting room."

“I need to know.”

The tears he’d been holding back spilled down his cheeks. Before the sob could fully form, Eddie pulled him against his chest, hand cradling the back of Buck’s head. The warmth seeped through Eddie’s t-shirt into the side of his face. Eddie’s other arm slid around his back and held him for a few moments as Buck released some of the pressure that had been building in his heart. He cried, wetting Eddie’s shirt, until he had nothing left.

“Thanks.” He took the tissue offered to him but continued to lean into Eddie, grateful for his friend’s presence. Buck couldn’t imagine being here, alone, right now. He wiped his nose again and pressed closer to Eddie, relaxing into his warmth. He smelled of sweat and cotton and aftershave. And - tacos?

Buck pulled back to look at Eddie. “You had tacos without me?”

Eddie was used to Buck’s tendency to skip from one thing to the next, so the seemingly random question didn’t make him hesitate. Eddie shrugged and raised his eyebrows. “It’s Taco Tuesday at Firehouse 145.”

“But we were gonna have tacos tonight with Chris at the food truck.” His eyes widened. He grabbed Eddie’s wrist to look at his watch. “School’s out. Who’s picking up Chris?”

“Carla is getting him and then coming here to pick us up and take us home.” A slow smile spread across Eddie’s face. “We’re still having tacos.”

Buck leaned back against the pillows and stared at the white tile ceiling. “So we have time before he gets here.” 

Eddie sighed and then squeezed Buck’s hand. “Let me go see what I can do.”

He probably used his flashy grin or flirty Spanish. Buck didn’t care, because he’d been unhooked from all the IVs and officially discharged from the hospital. They said he was free to go home. Except Eddie wasn’t taking him home just yet, but pushing him in the wheelchair up to the third floor Pediatric Unit.

The closest they could get was outside the large double doors. They waited in the hallway while a nurse went to find Abby. Buck didn’t know if she’d even come out to talk to him. Why would she? He wasn’t important enough to her back then, why would she take the time now? What if she refused to tell him? How would he be able to find out if Joey was his son? Maybe Carla could help. Maybe - 

“You’re going to give yourself a headache, man. Slow that brain of yours down.”

Eddie leaned against the wall opposite of Buck, hands in his pockets, watching him. Buck sighed and picked at a loose string on the wheelchair seat. “What if I’m a dad?”

“You’d be a great dad.”

“But what if she doesn’t let me be his dad? She kept him from me this long already.”

Eddie crossed the hall and crouched down in front of Buck. “Then you fight for him. You fight for him like you fought for Christopher during that tsunami. Like you fought to get back to your job. Like you fight every damn time we go on a call.”

Buck felt Eddie’s words break through his despair. “I do have a hard time letting go.” A small smile curved his lips.

Eddie grabbed his hands in his. “That’s one of the best things about you, Buck. You don’t ever give up.”

Whatever he was going to say was interrupted by one of the heavy wood doors opening. A nurse came through and smiled at the two of them, Buck sitting in a wheelchair with Eddie down on one knee in front of him. She held the door open for Abby. Her red rimmed eyes caught Buck’s before flicking to Eddie. Surprise flashed through them as she looked at Buck again.

Both men stood, Eddie gripping Buck’s elbow when he got tangled in the foot rests of the wheelchair.

“Are you okay?” Abby frowned at his bandaged knee and hospital ID tag around his wrist.

Buck frowned as he shook his head. “Yeah, I’m fine. How’s Joey?”

She glanced at Eddie.

“This is my partner Eddie. Eddie, this is Abby.” 

Eddie stepped forward and shook Abby’s hand. “I wish we were meeting because of different circumstances.”

Buck noticed the lack of the usual ‘nice to meet you’ and so did Abby. She took in his stance back by his side, hand never leaving Buck’s elbow. Her smile was tight, but that was probably due to her son - _our son?_ \- being in the hospital.

“Is Joey doing okay?” He asked again.

Tears filled Abby’s eyes and a trembling hand covered her mouth. Buck’s heart began a rapid beat as she looked to the nurse still standing beside her.

“Hi. My name is Lelani and I’m one of the nurses taking care of Joey. He’s stable right now. Would you like to see him?”

Buck could only nod.

Lelani smiled at him. “Okay, we can head on in, but your friend will have to stay here.”

Buck had been prepared to confront Abby only with Eddie’s support. And he didn’t want to do it in NICU over Joey’s bed. He looked to Eddie.

“Go on. I’ll be right here.”

He didn’t know why, but Eddie’s words brought tears to his eyes. His chest ached, filled with something pressing against his bones and muscles and heart. Buck could ask his questions of Abby right here, in the hallway, with a nurse as a witness and Eddie as support. Or he could go through the NICU doors and see the little boy that could quite possibly be his son. Either way, Eddie would be there. 

And that was when Buck fell in love with Eddie. He didn't know it then, but later he would look back and realize how profound this moment truly was. 

Yes, it was the worst timing in the entire history of falling in love. Standing in front of his ex, who he really never got closure from, in a hospital waiting to see a critically injured boy that was maybe his son.

But Buck never did anything the conventional way. He tried out to be a Navy SEAL before going through basic training. He’d slept with his therapist instead of talking about his sex addiction. Hell, he even sued the city to get his job as a firefighter back.

So, he wasn't surprised when the realization of love came to him in the middle of a quiet hallway, outside the doors of the NICU.

He smiled at Eddie.

He turned to Abby.

“Is Joey my son?”


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chris appears in this one and he's his super adorable self! Eddie gets a little protective over Buck with Abby and I love it! Wish the show had let Eddie go off on Abby. (I'm not a fan of hers at all, if you couldn't tell.)

The Abby that he remembered was full of advice and opinions and never hesitated to express them. The Abby he dropped off at the airport was so self-assured, there wasn't any room for doubt. 

This Abby? This Abby bit her lower lip as she stared at the floor. She remained silent. 

Buck hated to see anyone he cared about struggling and he did still care about her. She had been such a huge part of Buck's life during that turbulent time when he was figuring out who he was. Of course he still cared. But he'd held onto the frustration when she never told him when she was coming home all those years ago. And now it resurfaced and threatened to bubble over as she stood there, unwilling to answer him again.

"Abby?" Buck took a step towards her.

Lelani, the NICU nurse dressed in pink scrubs with happy elephants dancing across them, cleared her throat. "Maybe we should go to a more private area."

Abby nodded. "Yes, that would be good." 

The two women began to move down the hall.

"No!" Buck hadn't meant to shout, it just happened. But he was shaking with the need to know. He was tired of waiting. That's all he ever did with Abby. He waited while she called the shots. Lelani and Abby froze. He felt Eddie move beside him, the warmth of his hand on the back of his shoulder. It calmed Buck. "It's a simple question, Abby."

She nodded as tears slid down her face. "I know, but it's not a simple answer."

She wiped her eyes with a tissue she held in one hand and it was then that Buck noticed the small yellow baseball cap in her other hand. Dirt smudged the bright green dinosaur on the front. He tore his eyes away from it to pin her down.

"What does that mean?"

Abby glanced at Eddie before looking at Buck. "Can we do this alone?"

There was no way he was doing this without Eddie by his side. He shook his head. "No. Just tell me. Is he my son?"

She sniffed. "I think so."

Buck had prepared himself for a yes or no answer. Not this. His skin flushed hot over where his heart thudded in his chest. "What?"

Abby drew in a deep breath. "I don't know if he's yours or not."

Buck frowned as his brain tried to grasp the meaning of her words. Eddie's fingers tensed against the nape of his neck. "Ar- are you telling me that - that you slept with someone else while you were with me?"

She was shaking her head as he continued, "Or was it somebody on the plane?"

The heat spread throughout his body as the air around him chilled. His frustration boiled over into irritation. "Is that how they greet people in Ireland, Abby? With a Good Luck fuck? Guess you got pretty lucky, huh?"

He knew it was the wrong thing to say the minute the accusations came out of his mouth but he was so angry at her. Tears streamed down his cheeks as Eddie pulled him back and got in his face, one hand on his chest and the other on his shoulder. "Buck. Look at me."

He watched Abby and Lelani. The nurse whispered something in her ear. Abby nodded and Lelani disappeared through the double doors.

Eddie's hand shifted to his jaw, turning Buck's head towards him. "Hey, eyes on me."

Buck looked at his best friend's eyes that were wide with concern. "I'm sorry."

"You have nothing to be sorry about. But I need for you to calm down." Eddie rubbed his hand up and down Buck's arm.

Buck nodded and drew in a deep breath. He caught Abby's gaze over Eddie's left shoulder. "I'm sorry I said that."

Her smile was sad. "You have every right to be angry at me. What I did was terrible and I should be the one apologizing."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"I was scared."

"Of me?"

Abby's face softened and she took a step towards Buck. Eddie tensed but didn't move to block her.

"Not you, but this life here. I left LA with so many negative memories of my mom and working at the call center and I just -, I just didn't want to come back to that. By the time I found out I was pregnant, I had a new life I loved over there." 

And once again, somebody else was deciding Buck's life without consulting him. Bobby had done it when he kept him from work after the accident. But he'd forgiven his boss because Bobby did it out of concern for Buck. What Abby was saying was so much worse. "But what about me? What about Joey? He should know who his dad is. And I would be a good dad. The type of dad I never had growing up."

"Buck, when I left, you were not in any way ready to be a father."

He couldn't argue with that but he would have learned real quick. He should have been given the chance. "He deserves to know. We both do."

"I know that now. It's the reason we came back. Joey is getting older and asking questions. We've only been in LA for a day. I was working up the nerve to call you."

"If we didn't run into each other on the trail today, would you have called me?"

Abby nodded. "I guess I finally needed to know, too."

The double doors opened and Lelani came out, holding a white box. She nodded to Abby who looked back at him. "They can do a DNA test right here, if you want."

Buck was suddenly terrified to actually be doing this. Not of finding out if he was a dad, but finding out he wasn't.

Ever since Eddie and Christopher came into his life, things for Buck changed. Instead of Friday nights cruising the bars looking for the next hookup, he looked forward to having pizza and watching movies with the Diaz boys. Whenever he read something interesting, he couldn't wait to share it with Chris who thought it was the best thing ever. He spent more time on his phone sending Chris funny memes than on dating apps. He hated going home to his quiet apartment and found every excuse he could to hang out at Eddie's. Because Eddie's house felt like a home. And Buck wanted that. 

Eddie raised his eyebrows, asking if he was ready to do this and Buck nodded. "Okay."

While Lelani unboxed the collection kit, Eddie got Buck back in the wheelchair. His shin was throbbing and exhaustion seeped through him, weighing him down.

"Can I still see him?" he asked after Lelani took a swab sample from inside his cheek.

"Absolutely. Even if you're not his father, you saved his life." Abby started crying quietly. "I never did thank you for that."

She drew closer. "Can I hug you?"

Buck nodded. She leaned down and wrapped her arms around his neck. He smelled the citrus hair product she favored among the stress and sweat of the day. Familiarity shot through him but there were no feelings attached to it any more. He hugged her back like he would hug a friend. Maybe now he had his closure.

"Thank you for saving him, Buck."

Eddie's phone beeped with a tone Buck knew was Chris. The weight in his heart lightened a little.

"Is he here?" Buck couldn't wait to see him. He always teased Chris that his hugs were magical, but it was really true. Nothing pulled a smile out of Buck faster than a hug from Christopher.

His friend nodded as he typed out a reply. "While you go see Joey, I'll go get him, okay? And we'll be waiting right here when you get out."

Buck nodded. "What are you going tell him?"

He worried for Chris, a nine year old trying to process all the trauma he'd experienced so far in his short span of life. He hated that his and Eddie's job added to that, even though they tried to shield him from it.

Eddie laid a hand on his shoulder. "I'm going to tell him you're doing what you do best." He smiled. "Saving little boys."

Buck's eyes filled. What did he do to deserve Eddie? God, if he cried anymore he was going to become dehydrated. "Thank you. I won't be long."

"Take your time. We'll wait." He started to move away but then stopped. "Oh, and Abby? There's nobody in this world I trust more with my son than Buck. Don't underestimate him again. Your son would be lucky to have him in his life."

When Eddie had been fighting MMA, he had perfected the look of intimidation. It was the first line of defense before entering the cage to fight. Buck had only seen it once and it scared him. Right now, it made his heart melt. He smiled as he watched him walk down the hall towards the elevators. They were going to have to talk later.

Abby remained quiet as Lelani punched in a code to open the double doors. She pushed Buck into the NICU and whispered, "Is he always that intense?"

"Pretty much."

They followed Lelani to Joey's glass enclosed room. The man Buck had sent to find cell service in the canyon rose from the single chair by the bed. He was tall, dark skinned and had a wide smile. "We didn't meet earlier. My name is Thomas Phillips."

Buck shook his hand. "Evan Buckley."

Instead of releasing Buck's hand, the man clasped it in both of his. "I cannot tell you how thankful we are that you came by when you did. You took control of a horrible situation and saved his life. I don't know what we would have done without you."

"You're welcome." Buck glanced over at Joey. "How is he doing?"

Thomas moved back so Abby could stand by Joey's pillow. Buck pushed himself out of the wheelchair to get closer. 

Lelani went around the other side of the bed to adjust an IV and fiddle with a machine. There were so many. She explained about Joey's broken leg and how many pins they put in, about the broken ribs and the healing punctured lung. She listed all the scans and tests they had done on his brain. "There is a lot of swelling right now. Until that goes down, we won't have a clear understanding of his brain activity."

Buck felt sick. "He has brain trauma?"

Abby sniffed. "Yes. They uh, they don't know if he'll wake up."

He knew a fall like the one Joey had suffered was not without consequences but Buck didn't think his injuries were that serious. "There didn't appear to be any injury to his head. Did I miss something?"

Lelani shook her head and gave him a sad smile. "No. It's all internal. Blunt force trauma to the head resulting in a skull fracture. There was nothing you could have done to mitigate the damage."

Thomas whispered into Abby's ear and then reached over to shake Buck's hand. "I'm going to give you guys some time alone. It was nice to meet you, Evan. Again, thank you."

Buck nodded. "Take care."

He left with Lelani, who slid the glass door closed. 

"He seems nice."

Abby smiled as she continued to look at Joey. It was the first true smile he'd seen from her since she Face Timed him from Dublin all those years ago. "He is very nice. I don't know what I'd do without him."

She turned to look at him. "But we're not going to chit chat about him or even me, because I know that's not who you want to hear about."

Buck looked at the little boy lying in bed, wearing a gown covered with the Avengers characters. "Tell me about him."

And she did. As Buck sat beside Joey and held his hand, Abby told him about her son. She filled him in on his favorite cartoons, some of which were European and Buck didn't know, and how he was starting to read even at only four years old. "And I cannot get him to eat anything but pancakes for breakfast," she laughed as she stroked Joey's hair.

Buck smiled. "He's got good taste."

Lelani appeared a few minutes later. "I'm sorry to interrupt, but visiting hours are over."

When Buck looked at her with wide eyes, she sighed. "I know you might be his father, but until we know for sure, you can't be here after hours."

Abby laid her hand on his arm. "I will text you if anything changes and you can come by anytime you'd like."

He didn't want to leave, but he also didn't want Eddie and Chris to wait in the hall too much longer. Buck carefully stood and leaned over Joey. Machines buzzed and hissed behind him and lights flashed but the little boy remained still. He pushed back the dark blonde curl and pressed his lips against the warm forehead. "When you wake up, I'll make you as many pancakes as you want," he whispered.

After promising him the results of the DNA test in one to two days, Lelani pushed Buck back out through the NICU doors. Eddie sat on the floor against the wall with Chris in his lap. They were reading a book but looked up when they heard the doors open. The smile on Chris' face caused a sob to get stuck in Buck's throat. The emotions of the entire day were catching up with him. Eddie helped Chris stand and before Buck could blink, his lap was filled with the boy.

"Hi Bucky!"

He wrapped his arms around Chris and tucked the boy's head under his chin, absorbing the positive energy that flowed around this kid. It was hard to be sad with him nearby. "Hey little man! How was school?"

"Boring." Chris pulled back to look up at him, his eyes serious behind his glasses. "How was your day?"

Buck knew Eddie had already told him what happened, but Chris, being an unusually perceptive nine year old, was letting Buck decide if he wanted to talk about it or not. "It started out good."

"Yeah?" Chris settled into Buck's lap as Eddie pushed them onto the elevator.

"Yeah, I went to Bryce Canyon to go rock climbing."

"That's such a cool place. Remember when you and me and Dad went hiking there and we climbed up those big cliffs with me strapped to your back?"

It had taken several trips to an indoor rock climbing facility at the mall to test out Buck and Eddie's modified backpack-style carrier to fit Chris and make sure he'd be safe. Even though they didn't climb up the biggest cliffs, Chris was impressed at how high they'd gotten.

"That was a fun day. We'll have to go back again. Today wasn't as fun."

"Because that little boy fell?"

"Yeah."

"And you got hurt?"

"Just a little."

"You know what will make it better?"

"Hugs from you?" Buck grinned when Chris rolled his eyes.

"Okay, maybe that. But more importantly - ice cream, Buck. Ice cream makes everything better." He nodded his head once as if he'd just stated a universal fact.

By the time they'd gotten into Carla's car and she'd pulled onto the interstate, Buck had passed out in the back seat sitting next to Chris. When he woke up, they were pulling into Eddie's driveway.

"We're home," Chris announced as he shook Buck's shoulder. He unbuckled himself from his booster seat while Carla unlocked the trunk and Eddie grabbed their bags. Chris leaned over to Buck, placing his small hand on his cheek. "You're gonna be okay, kid."


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everybody! This is the chapter where 'things' happen (SPOILERS at the end so please go there if you need to know.

Eddie got Buck settled into the guest bedroom. He'd stayed over plenty of times in the past, but this time Buck was aware of his new-found feelings for Eddie. He felt like they were broadcasted in neon lights above his head; blinking heart eyes and cupid arrows for all to see. So, he tried to play it cool and act like everything was normal. Of course, to Eddie everything was normal. Buck was the only one that had a romantic revelation in the middle of a life-altering event. He started to understand why Hen called him Drama Llama.

"You didn't have to bring me here, you know." Buck stood in the middle of the bedroom as Eddie put fresh bath towels on the dresser.

Eddie's eyebrows shot up to his hairline. "Yeah, I did."

"Why's that?"

"Because Maddie told me in no uncertain terms that I was not leaving you alone tonight." Eddie adjusted the blinds on the windows so he'd have some privacy.

"Oh."

"And Bobby told me not to come in tomorrow so that I could keep an eye on you." Eddie arranged the pillows against the headboard and motioned for Buck to sit.

"What?"

"Abuela threatened the wrath of all the Catholic saints if I didn't put you straight to bed and bring you hot soup every hour." Eddie lifted Buck's injured leg and stuffed a pillow underneath it.

"That's a little much." Buck's frown deepened. "Wait, saints can have wrath?"

Eddie ignored him. "Hen said she would sign me up for volunteer shifts at the local dog shelter if I didn't make sure you rested that leg and take all your medication." He dug through Buck's discharge bag from the hospital and put the bottle of pills on the bedside table.

Buck rolled his eyes. "You don't really like dogs."

"I know," Eddie called from the hallway bathroom. He returned with a glass of water that he placed next to the medication. "But none of that is why you are here."

Buck smirked. "I don't know, Eds. They all seem like very compelling reasons."

He was used to being mothered. Not by his actual mother, but by people around him. Despite being taller than most of his friends and a fully capable firefighter, he always found himself being doted on by everyone. From Bobby pushing another plate of food in front of him to Maddie driving him to every physical therapy appointment to the sweet cashier that always helped him at the self-checkout, Buck was looked after. Maybe it was because he was the youngest on the team. Maybe because he always had a smile on his face. Whatever the reason, people felt compelled to take care of Buck as if he couldn't do it himself. On dark days, it made Buck feel useless and irritable, like people didn't trust Buck's ability. But most days he took it in stride because it meant they cared.

"But they're not the most important reason." Eddie sat on the edge of the bed and faced Buck. "You're here because you need to be here."

Buck started to object. "I'd be fine at my place." But who was he kidding? He'd be miserable. His brain would be free to roam through the minefield of him and Abby. His worry for Joey and all the implications behind those blue eyes would run wild without distractions. He was glad he was here because he didn't want to be alone right now.

Eddie shook his head. "It's better if I keep you close."

And that made Buck pause. Because that sounded vaguely intimate, almost possessive. Here he was, sitting on a bed in a cozy, quiet house with Eddie not one foot away on the same bed. After having discovered some latent romantic feelings for his best friend. With that same best friend watching him while saying heartwarming sentiments.

Buck felt himself getting sucked into Eddie's dark brown eyes that never left his blue ones. A sense of security and safety filled him, that feeling that nothing bad could touch him here. Not while Eddie was around. It's what home must feel like. Or love. What was that saying? Home is where the heart is. Yep, Eddie and Chris were his home. Why did it take him so long to realize it? Buck felt the weight of the day lighten a fraction. Whatever happened with Abby and Joey and the paternity test, he could handle it because he was surrounded by home.

Eddie laid his hand on Buck's knee and Buck stopped breathing. "A lot of crazy shit happened to you today, Buck. I don't want you to be alone."

A smile started in Buck's heart and spread across his face. "You don't?"

 _Oh god, what if Eddie felt the same way?_ Buck tried to calm the wild hope rising inside him.

Eddie rose from the bed - wait, where was he going? - and chuckled as he made his way to the bedroom door. "No, man. Cause when you find yourself in trouble again, I won't have to go far to rescue you."

Buck drew himself up as his mouth dropped open. "That's - ", not where he saw this going, but also, "that's so mean, Eds. Kicking a man while he's down!" He grabbed a pillow and threw it at Eddie, who just laughed harder as it sailed past his head and into the hallway.

He couldn't quite settle in for a nap, thoughts and feelings swirled around his head like blender on pulsate mode. So Eddie ran out to pick up dinner - _tacos!_ \- and a few things from Buck's apartment, while he and Chris did homework.

Buck stared at the textbook. His brain was tired and not just from fourth grade math. With Eddie gone and Chris occupied, his mind worked overtime trying to figure out the last six hours and how it had changed the last four plus years of his life.

When Abby's mom died and she felt the need to travel, Buck supported her decision. It hurt, but he couldn't deny her something she needed to heal. When she started pushing out her return date and changing her plans, he was never angry with her. After a year of Abby still traveling with no arrival date on the calendar, Buck accepted it with his usual understanding. He was never resentful. She became the one that got away. But now, knowing what he did, what she had hidden during all that time, the hurt returned along with an oversized travel bag of irritation. He wondered how could Abby have kept something like this from him? Even if Joey turned out not to be his, she should have told him when she found out she was pregnant.

"Buck?"

"Yeah, buddy?"

"Your phone is ringing."

Chris grinned at him like he caught Buck doing something silly.

"Oh, yeah it is! Sorry, this math problem is just so interesting!" He winked at Chris while the little boy laughed. "Thanks, bud."

Buck got up from the kitchen table and grabbed his phone off the counter. Maybe whoever was on the line could explain this new way of doing long division. Or why Abby did what she did. Or why he chose this exact moment in time to develop feelings for Eddie.

He didn't recognize the number on his phone's display. "Hello?"

Chris grinned at him, taking advantage of the distraction and slid his hand towards the comic book that lay across the table. Buck shook his head and made a wiggling motion with his hand before pointing to the textbook. The boy's smile dropped into an award winning pout before he dived back into his homework. Buck had to turn around and hide his chuckle so as not to encourage what Eddie called 'bad behavior'.

"Helloooo," he repeated into the phone. He looked at the screen to make sure the call was still connected. "Anyone there?"

"Yes, I'm sorry. May I speak to Mr. Evan Buckley?"

The woman's voice was kind but professional. He hoped it wasn't another political persuasion call. He'd already taken advantage of early voting. He turned his head to check on Christopher.

"This is he." His voice was light as he watched Chris tackled the math problem, brows knitted tight in concentration.

"Hi, Mr. Buckley. My name is Teri Wright and I'm a nurse at LA Med Hospital. I'm calling on behalf of Abby Carter."

Buck's breath caught in his chest as a knot formed in his stomach. He quickly turned away from Chris and braced himself against the kitchen counter. 

_Oh god._

A chill crept up his spine and lodged itself somewhere near center mass. Hospitals never called with good news. And why wouldn't Abby herself be calling? Because it wasn't good news. He didn't want to hear this. He wanted to go back to fourth grade math problems and Ironman comics.

"Yes." His voice sounded thin. He gripped the edge of the counter so hard he thought the tiles might break.

Buck tried to listen, but she wasn't making sense. She said words he knew the meaning to, but right now he didn't understand them. He put the phone down even though she was still speaking. He'd lost the ability to comprehend English because everything she told him didn't register.

The world around him faded as he stared out the window over the kitchen sink. Rays of the setting sun slanted in, casting a warm glow over the room.

Buck shivered.

He should go get a sweatshirt.

But his feet were frozen to the floor.

He needed socks, too. Socks would be good.

But his legs wouldn't move and _why can't I move?_

He was paralyzed and should be panicked, but he wasn't. He just stood there frozen, not moving. Numb.

"Buck?"

He blinked. The sun had set a while ago. Its warm glow changed into a cool blue. Streetlights flickered on outside.

"Bucky?"

That was Christopher's voice. He blinked again.

"I figured out problem number twelve all by myself!" Chris sounded so proud and normally Buck would be giving him a high five but his arms hung limp by his sides.

"That's great, bud." Even pushing those three small words out left him winded. And hey, look. English was back.

He focused on breathing, moving air in and out of his lungs.

"I'm all done with my homework." Buck felt a warm body pressing against his right leg and hip.

Chris pulled on his hand. "Do you want to play legos?"

He looked up at Buck with a smile. One of those smiles that made Buck automatically return it, however slight, because it was impossible to resist. But it broke before it could fully form.

Buck closed his eyes.

"Dad!"

He heard the front door open and felt Chris letting go of his hand, but for one brief second he thought it was Joey calling to him. He dropped his head.

"Who's ready for tacos?" Eddie called out, setting the take out bags on the kitchen table. "Hey kiddo. You and Buck get your homework done?" 

"Yeah, but then Buck got a phone call and now he's all quiet."

The rustling of the paper bags stopped. Eddie appeared by his side.

"What's going on, Buck?"

He didn't answer right away because the nurse hadn't made sense and Buck's brain had to translate her words that he didn't understand.

Eddie grabbed Buck's shoulders and pivoted him so that he faced him. Buck didn't raise his head so Eddie gently cupped his face and lifted it. "What happened?"

Buck opened his eyes and as soon as they connected with Eddie, he knew what the nurse had been trying to tell him. Tears formed and blurred Eddie's frantic face.

"He, uh - ." Buck swallowed and tried to remember the nurse's words. The ones that didn't make sense.

"J - Jo - Joey died." 

After that, Buck shut down and Eddie took over. Friends were called, a sleepover at Abuela's for Chris was arranged, and Hen showed up to make sure Buck wasn't going into shock. Then Eddie tucked them both into bed, Buck wrapped tight in soft blankets and warm arms, because Buck was so cold. Outside of this bed, away from Eddie, he didn't think he'd ever be warm again. Because the more the nurse's words sunk in, the colder he got.

Joey died because the head trauma was too severe.

Maybe if Buck had left for the hiking trail five minutes earlier, he'd still be alive. Buck had missed the head injury, too. What kind of firefighter did that? He hadn't been able to save his - hell, he didn't even know if Joey was his son. The DNA test results hadn't come back yet. Buck hadn't even met Joey so he couldn't be dead. What if that was his actual son? No, he couldn't be gone already because Buck never got a chance to say hello. If he had known he would have been there sooner.

But he didn't know. Because Abby never told him. She stole that from him. She took away his chance to save his son and that hurt most of all. Not only did it hurt, but it angered him. 

"What are you feeling, Buck?" Eddie lay next to him on his side, watching him.

"I don't know," he whispered to the dark ceiling.

"Yes you do."

Buck frowned and turned to look at Eddie.

"That look on your face. I know what you are feeling. I just want you to say it." 

Buck searched the ceiling, trying to get his brain to land on just one emotion. There were so many. "I'm mad?" It felt out of place for him and wrong to feel but Eddie didn't appear to be judging him for it. "Yeah, I'm mad."

"What do you want to do about it?"

"I don't know."

Eddie smiled. "I know what might help."

That's how they ended up in the basement of Eddie's house at three in the morning. After the fiasco of fight club, Eddie installed a weighted bag in the corner of the unused room and when he felt the frustration building that wasn't resolved by talk therapy, he hit the bag. He rarely used it any more. He tightened the velcro strap of the glove around Buck's wrist.

"You think a thought and then you punch it. Sometimes it helps to say them out loud." Eddie shrugged. "Up to you."

Buck looked at the red gloves encasing his wrists and knuckles. "Punch therapy?"

Eddie scoffed. "Don't let guys down in Millner hear you call it that."

"I don't want to end up in Millner fighting guys." Buck barely fought a cold, so this felt a little foreign.

"I promise you won't, Buck. Punching a bag in a home gym once or twice isn't going to lead to nightly cage fights downtown. I know this isn't your style. But neither is getting mad." He positioned himself behind the bag and leaned into it. "Try it and see how it makes you feel."

Buck felt silly but he hated feeling mad more. So he hit the bag with his right hand.

"Did you punch a thought or were you just punching the bag?"

Oh yeah.

"Everything is all jumbled up in here." He tapped the side of his head. "I don't even know where to start."

"Why are we down here?"

"Because I'm mad."

Eddie motioned his head. "Tell that to the bag."

Buck drew in a deep breath and stared at the black and white Everlast symbol stitched on the front of the bag. He squared up his body into a fighting stance and brought up both hands.

He thrust out his right hand, this time with a little more muscle behind it, but still not hard. "I'm mad."

He glanced at Eddie before punching the bag with his left fist. "I'm really mad."

"So." Punch. "Fucking." Punch. "Mad!" Punch, punch, punch.

With the movement, his body started getting warm. With the words, things started to thaw.

"I loved her!" He didn't know why that was the first thought to pop out, but he didn't dwell on it.

"And she turned out to be a monster." Right fist.

"Who kept my son from me." Left fist.

"How could I have fallen for somebody like that?" Right.

"She denied me a son now I'll never know." Left.

"He died before I could even find out who he was." Right.

"I have a son I'll never get to meet." Left.

"And I promised him pancakes," Buck yelled, tears streaming down his face.

Both fists hit the bag as he dropped to his knees. Eddie's arms were around him, pulling him away from the bag as they both slid to the floor. Buck sobbed into his gloved hands while Eddie's arms held on. All of the feelings he usually bottled up and stored away came rushing out as he sat on the concrete floor. He leaned against Eddie's chest and fell into his touch, his hands roaming over Buck's back and head and shoulders as if trying to press back in all the broken pieces.

"He died, Eddie." His voice was raspy as he forced the words out.

"I know, baby. And I'm so sorry." Eddie squeezed him gently. "But you're going to get through this."

Buck sniffed and sat up, startled that Eddie's face was as wet as his own. His friend didn't seem embarrassed by his tears, however. He began removing the protective gloves from Buck's hands while Buck watched Eddie. "You're the strongest person I know, Buck."

"I don't feel like it."

"Maybe not right now. But when you're on the other side of this, you'll see." Eddie pulled them both up. "Come on, let's go try to get a little bit of sleep."

The punching bag idea of Eddie's did help. He wasn't mad anymore. He didn't even want to talk to Abby. He didn't care what her explanations or excuses were now. Despite not having the results back, Buck knew deep down that Joey was his son. He couldn't explain it, but it was a feeling he got while punching the bag.

Buck managed to get most of the sweat off him and dressed into some clean boxer briefs before falling into bed. Eddie tried to get him to share his bed, but Buck knew he wasn't going to sleep and he wanted Eddie to get as much as he could. Bobby giving him the next shift off was a godsend, but he shouldn't be surprised. Bobby always seemed to know what one of them needed before they did.

The normally clear California skies had become cloudy while they were in the basement, blocking out the moon. Wind blew in light gusts, causing an untrimmed bush to scrape against the window. Buck lay in the guest bedroom watching the shadows move across the ceiling as the tree limbs swayed outside. Eddie said he'd come out the other side of this, but he still didn't know what _this_ was. It was the first tsunami wave all over again, swiping him off his axis and leaving him untethered to anything solid. He didn't know how to mourn Joey. His grief had no stronghold on which to grab. No memories to hold onto or smile over. All he had were images of an injured little boy lying at the bottom of a ravine.

He felt the panic building. He dressed quietly and crept down the hall. Through his open door, Eddie lightly snored sprawled out in the middle of his bed. Buck smiled fondly before he moved to the front door. He took one look around Eddie and Chris' home. This was a good place and full of love. But right now, it wasn't what he needed.

"I love you guys," Buck whispered before he gently shut the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Joey dies in this chapter but its relayed via a phone call. There is no graphic death scene or anything like that.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was a bear to write. It's not exactly what I wanted, but I needed to get it out and published. I hope you enjoy it. There is only one more chapter left and I will post that next week.
> 
> Thanks for reading and all the kudos and comments. :-)

His jeep sat parked in front of Eddie's house. He didn't know how it got there from where he left it at the canyon trail head parking lot, probably Maddie and Chim. He vaguely remembered seeing her earlier. Buck didn't get in his jeep, though. His brain was a muddled mess but he knew enough that he shouldn't be driving right now. The rain had stopped earlier leaving behind a breeze that nipped at his skin through his t-shirt. He should go back to grab one of Eddie's jackets that hung by the door, but he wasn't going to risk waking him. So Buck wandered down the street with his hands stuffed in the pockets of his jeans. 

The stars were just fading out as the sky lightened by the time Buck reached the park. The swings on the playground were damp. Buck ignored the cool moisture as he sat in one, swaying with the movement. Beside him was the adaptive swing for kids with special mobility needs, the one he and Eddie had organized to get installed last summer. Chris' laugh when Buck pushed him as high as Eddie would let him was worth all the red tape and huge fundraising effort. 

He wondered if Joey liked to be pushed high on the swings. Did he like to twist the two chains together as he sat, screaming with delight when it unwound with jerky rotations? When Buck was little he used to pump his legs so hard, trying to get his swing to go over the top of the swing set, headless of the danger. Did Joey try that, too? Maybe he was too little to try. Buck wasn't sure Abby would have even let him. 

God, Abby.

She must be a mess. Devastated. Any parent that loses a child must be. Except Buck wasn't sure what he felt. And that made him feel worse, because if he was a parent, and he really felt he was, shouldn't he feel this deep chasm of pain in his heart? Why didn't he feel devastation instead of this numbness? Losing Christopher during the tsunami for those few hours was as close to unbridled fear as Buck had ever felt. Telling Eddie was even worse. He was sick to his stomach as he waded through the water searching for the little boy that held his heart. Panic gripped his soul when Eddie asked where his son was. Devastated took on a whole new meaning. Buck still had nightmares about that day. He knew what loss felt like. It was driving him crazy now, because he wasn't feeling that bone-crushing loss. He didn't know how to feel when it came to Joey. 

His phone vibrated in his pocket and he startled when he realized how light it was now, how much time had past. He looked at the screen. Eddie and Chris' smile frozen on the display.

"Hey," he answered.

"Where the hell are you?" Eddie's worried voice always reminded Buck of a grumpy porcupine. Kind of cute but you didn't want to get too close because his words were prickly and sometimes they stung.

"Eds, I needed - ," Buck started to explain but Eddie cut him off.

"You can't just leave like that. Do you know how hard I freaked when I woke up and you were gone?"

"But I left a note."

Eddie scoffed. "'I'll be back' is not a note, Buck. It's a line from a movie."

"I'm at the park. I needed some air."

"Just stay right there. One of us will be there in a minute."

"Aw, man. Who did you call?"

Buck didn't get an answer because Eddie already hung up.

Five minutes later he saw Bobby walking across the grass from where he parked his truck. He held a coffee thermos in one hand and Eddie's jacket in the other.

"I left him a note," Buck grumbled as he slid his arms into the coat.

"You know how he gets." Bobby sat in the other swing next to him and handed Buck the coffee.

"Thanks."

"Eddie made it."

Buck sipped the warm beverage and tried not to smile as he visualized an angry Eddie banging around the kitchen making him coffee while yelling at anyone who would listen about the definition of a proper note.

"No, I mean. Thanks for coming at the ass crack of dawn over nothing."

"You're not nothing, Buck."

He didn't feel like arguing with Bobby so they sat in silence, watching the sky grow lighter as a new day began.

Buck eventually grew warm. His thoughts and his tongue loosening with each sip of coffee. 

"Until yesterday, I thought I knew who I was." Bobby turned to face him but Buck's gaze remained on the trees in the distance. "Everybody is born with these gaps inside them, you know? Like, you don't notice it when you're young because all your friends have the same amount of gaps. And over time they get filled. You try new hobbies, new experiences, you meet new people and slowly you're filling in the missing pieces of who you are. Some stick, they slide in so easily. They feel right. Some won't fit, no matter how much you force them. And others shouldn't be there at all. But slowly, you become a whole person."

The wind blew the tree tops, light filtering through the leaves. Buck's voice softened. "I have more gaps than anybody my age should. Lord knows I've tried to fit in as much as possible. And I'm okay with what didn't work. Not everything I tried was good. Not everyone I loved stuck around. I let them go and moved on."

"But now," Buck gripped the coffee thermos harder. "Now I have this one piece that I just found. I know is special. It's so important. But I don't know where it goes."

His eyes found Bobby's. "I don't know how it fits in." Tears blurred the world around him. "What do I do with it, Cap?"

Bobby swallowed hard. He looked down at his hands clasped together in his lap. He blew out a big breath before he spoke. "I don't think anyone is ever truly a whole person, no matter their age. Pieces are always shifting, changing. It's part of growing as a human being. It's part of life. But, I know what it's like to have special pieces you thought were permanent ripped away."

Buck wiped his eyes to find Bobby staring at him, his own face wet with tears. "Some things are such a big part of you, that you just hold onto it for as long as you can. Whether its an empty hole in your heart, or a new piece of your soul. You don't ever let that go." Bobby reached over and grabbed Buck's free hand. "You hold on tight to that important piece, Buck and let everything else inside of you adjust around it."

He nodded. He didn't know how or where Joey fit into his heart yet, but he wouldn't let him go. "Thanks, Bobby." 

They both stood and Bobby pulled him into a hug. "I'm sorry you are going through this."

Buck squeezed him harder. "I'm sorry you had to, too."

Bobby didn't talk much about losing his wife and two children in the apartment fire, but everyone knew how much it affected their boss. It would devastate any man, but especially if that man blamed himself. "Anything you need, Buck."

He nodded against Bobby's shoulder before pulling back. "How mad is Eddie?"

Bobby rolled his eyes and blew out a big puff of air. "He mentioned putting on the boxing gloves when I left."

_Oh boy._

But when Bobby pulled into Eddie's driveway, he was sitting on the porch steps, a matching coffee thermos in his hands. He rose as Buck made his way up the sidewalk and waved his hand to Bobby as their boss drove away.

"I'm sorry, Eddie."

"Don't." He ushered Buck inside and straight to the kitchen table. "Sit."

Buck sat while Eddie retrieved a plate from the microwave. He set the warm omelet down in front of Buck.

"Eat."

He frowned at the egg dish then up at Eddie. "You're not mad at me?"

"Oh, I'm mad. What makes you think I'm not mad?" He leaned against the counter, arms crossed over his chest.

"You made me breakfast."

Eddie scowled. "Of course I made you breakfast. What kind of friend do you think I am? I can be mad and still care about you." He motioned to the plate. "Eat before it gets cold."

Buck ate while Eddie watched. It would have been unnerving if Buck wasn't so goddamn tired. He didn't protest when Eddie pushed him down the hall, past the guest room and into his own bedroom. Buck let him strip him down to his underwear without a word or inappropriate thought. He laid down when Eddie pulled the covers back. When Eddie nudged him to roll over, Buck did. He didn't ask what Eddie was doing when he threw his arm across Buck's waist. He barely heard the muttered Spanish Eddie whispered into his hair as he fell asleep.

Buck woke up to his cell phone's text alert. He frowned, groping for it while searching the room for Eddie. It was 12:30 in the afternoon according to his phone and he had a message from Carla. Soft music from the living room told him Eddie was still around. He held the phone above his head as he laid in bed, reading the text from Carla. 

'Call me' it said with a pink heart emoji.

He swore the woman was an angel put here on earth to guide mere mortals into being better people. She'd helped Abby navigate the emotional rollercoaster of hospice care for her mother and was an absolute godsend for helping Eddie better meet Christopher's special needs. Buck adored her and would move mountains to do whatever she asked. But thinking about calling her right now caused a knot to form in his chest. This wasn't going to be a routine phone call with Carla checking in. He had a feeling this was going to be a gut-wrenching conversation that had something to do with Abby.

Buck sat up in bed, leaning against the headboard as he clicked Carla's contact info. He pressed Call before he second guessed himself.

She answered right away. "I'm here to help you, you know that, right?" Carla didn't bother with formalities and got right to the heart of the matter. Buck appreciated her not asking how he was doing. 

"What do I do?" He was truly at a loss. Not only in how to feel, but what to do with himself.

"Abby and Thomas want you to help plan Joey's funeral." Nobody could deliver heart-stopping news as gently as Carla, but Buck still gasped.

"What?"

"Abby decided he should be buried beside her mother. Here in LA."

_Oh._

"I ... uh. Okay." As stupid as it sounded, Buck felt a small tremor of comfort knowing that Joey, even in death, would be close.

"Can I come pick you up in a couple hours? We can drive to the funeral home together."

"Yeah." Buck's mind was whirling. He didn't know if he was ready for this, ready to see Abby again, ready to plan something as horrible as a funeral for a child. _His child._

"Can, um. Can Eddie come, too?"

"Sure, baby. You bring whoever you want. If you want the entire 118 there, I will make that happen."

Buck smiled, knowing without a doubt that she would.

He felt the piece in him shift. The piece that was so new and so foreign but so important. And he couldn't help but think that Abby had everything to do with that. Letting Joey's final resting place be in LA and not some European country that he'd never been to meant everything to Buck. It helped him hold onto that piece and let it settle a bit inside. It was a small connection to Joey that couldn't be taken away.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, so sorry for the delay.
> 
> Remember when I had that surgery a month ago? Well, I've been dealing with extreme nerve damage as a result. It was one of the possible side effects which I knew about but still, it sucks. So, I've only been able to think and work in small chunks of time.
> 
> I really wanted to finish this up in Chapter 6, but there is no way I could do that so I'm giving you a very, very small chapter as an offering. An apology.
> 
> This chapter deals with religion and prayer. I'm not a big believer, but respect that other people do. I hope I don't offend anyone with this chapter.
> 
> I hope you enjoy it.
> 
> Abuela is one of my favorite side characters on 9-1-1.

Buck sank into Abuela's hug when he stepped onto her front porch. The funeral home had been awful.

"You poor boy." She squeezed his midsection as he rested his chin on her head and let her maternal warmth soak into him. He wrapped his arms around her as she whispered what Buck thought was a Catholic prayer. His Spanish was rusty.

Eddie had already headed inside, greeting his son in the front hall. "Where's Bucky?" he heard Chris ask through the screened door. Eddie's answer faded away as he and the boy moved further into the house.

Abuela pulled back. Buck could only stare at her warm, brown eyes as she searched his face.

"Come sit with me," she said, leading him across the wide porch. Eddie had bought the two white wicker chairs for his grandmother last Christmas and Chris picked out the fire engine red cushions. Buck settled into one as Abuela moved hers closer, their hands still linked.

They sat in silence for a moment, Buck lost in his thoughts and Abuela tethering him to the present. He thought he had gotten over his anger in the basement of Eddie's house but it all came back when he saw Abby in the foyer of Mitchell's Funeral Home. He wanted to scream at her and shake her and ask her why she wanted his opinion now. Instead, Buck glared at the pamphlets describing caskets while Abby asked the funeral director about Bible verses. Eddie's hand never strayed from his shoulder.

Buck stared at the rose bushes that hugged the front porch railings.

"What does it feel like to pray?" He couldn't look at Abuela when he asked because he felt ashamed. What kind of person has never prayed?

"I think it is different for everybody. But for me, it's like talking to a very wise and dear friend."

Buck was not a religious person. He'd never been to church, even growing up. Easter was about egg hunts and Christmas was for gifts. His family never prayed before meals or bedtime and he didn't think they owned a Bible. And one would think that in his line of work, a prayer was always on the tip of his tongue. As many times as he'd been in dangerous situations, praying never crossed his mind. He'd always had faith in his brothers for rescue or in his own determination to muscle through and get it done. Prayer wasn't something he thought he needed. Until now.

"So, does God or whoever someone prays to, do they, uh, do they answer back and tell you what to do?"

"If only it were that easy. That's where the faith comes in." She squeezed his hand and drew Buck's attention to her. "Praying to God is like voicing the most private parts of your soul. And when you expose yourself to the light, when you acknowledge that deep pain in your heart, that is when healing can begin. The very act of speaking out loud what you most need is not only for God to hear, but for you as well. It opens the door for answers, whether they come from God or yourself."

"It sounds like therapy."

Abuela chuckled. "In a way, it is. Except God doesn't charge you hundreds of dollars an hour."

Buck smiled even as tears filled his eyes. His voice was a whisper when he spoke.

"Do you think Joey is in heaven?"

Abuela clutched his hand in both of hers. "Oh, Evan. I'm sure of it."

Buck swallowed past the lump in his throat. "If I -," he swiped his face with his free hand. "If I talk to God, do you think he'd give Joey a message for me?"

She nodded. "Si, mi querido chico." (Yes, my dear boy.)

He sat up straighter as his brain began to focus on something other than his anger and all the questions swirling in his head. He had a plan, something constructive he could do to help himself. Because that was what Buck was good at - forming a plan and following through. Nodding his head, he looked Abuela in the eye. "Okay." He licked his lips. "So how do I pray?"

Her gaze became sharp, as if she was sizing him up. She nodded once before rising. "Come."

Buck scrambled to his feet. "Where are we going?"

She hooked her elbow around his and led him down the steps. "Your first prayer is not going to be on my front porch."

They reached the sidewalk when the screen door opened. "Where are you taking Bucky, Abuela?" Chris stood on the porch, Eddie behind him.

Abuela didn't even turn around but called out over her shoulder, "I'm taking him to church, my nieto."

_________

All Saints Catholic Church stood tall and proud one block from Abuela's home. It's white stucco exterior and red tile roof blended into the surrounding community instead of towering over it. It was welcoming instead of intimidating. Buck had passed it many times and had never given it a thought, other than he knew Eddie's grandmother attended services there. He pulled open the large wooden door for Abuela and hesitated before passing through. Of course he'd been in a church before. For weddings and a funeral, always a spectator. He couldn't help but feel nervous about now entering one as an active participant. It was quiet, only one other person was there, sitting in a pew close to the front. 

He leaned close to Abuela. "What do I do now?"

She placed a hand over his heart. "Now you talk to God."

He chose a seat towards the back. Abuela sat in a pew across the aisle after Buck said he'd be alright alone. "Just let your thoughts pour out. Like you are talking to a friend," she had whispered before she took her seat.

It was easier than he thought it would be. Much easier than talking to a friend, if he was being honest. He didn't have to worry about saying things the wrong way or not making sense. He just hoped he was understood because his thoughts were a jumbled mess. But he bent his head and whispered his hurt in the quiet of the church.

_Hi God. I've never done this and I'm sorry if I do it wrong but Abuela said you understand every language so I figured you could understand what I'm trying to say. I just - I just lost someone and don't really know how to feel about it. I'm confused. I'm angry. I'm sad. I'm hurt. And sometimes I'm nothing. Which makes me feel guilty. Because I think he was my son and that should make me feel unbearable pain. But I didn't know him, I just found out about him. I can't get past the hurt of his mother not telling me about him. And I think that my anger at her is blocking all the other emotions. ___

__Buck startled at that realization. Anger wasn't a normal feeling for him so he didn't know what to do with it. But maybe, perhaps, once he figured out how to get over being mad at Abby, he could focus on his feelings about Joey._ _

_Hey God, I don't want Joey to know I'm mad at his mom because I grew up in a house like that and it's not good for a kid. But could you tell Joey that I'm sorry I never met him and that I wish I'd gotten him help sooner. I love kids and I would have loved him, too. Tell him that, okay? He's in heaven so I guess he's not scared, but just tell him that everything is alright and he'll be okay. ___

__Buck stared at his shoes against the tile floor. Sure, Joey was okay but what about him? _What about Abby? _____

____Abby. The person that caused him so much pain. Why was he worried about her while sitting in a church praying about his son?____

 _Listen, God. Thank you for giving Joey my message. I, uh, don't know if it means anything but tell him I'm sorry. And thank you for taking care of him when I can't._

__He rested his head against the pew in front of him. As far as prayers go, he wasn't sure how it stood up and he certainly didn't feel any great revelation but he did feel a little clarity. He glanced over at Abuela who smiled at him. They met in the aisle._ _

______"How did it go?"_ _ _ _ _ _

______Buck looked around. "Well, the church is still standing so I guess it went okay."_ _ _ _ _ _

______Abuela scoffed as they headed back home. "My God is stronger than your trouble magnet."_ _ _ _ _ _

______He placed a hand on his chest and feigned disbelief. "What has Eddie been telling you about me?"_ _ _ _ _ _

______"He tells me lots of things about you, my dear boy," she responded with a small smile._ _ _ _ _ _

________ _ _ _ _


End file.
